Tips on dating & autism
14th February is universally acknowledged as the most romantic day of the year, with spring just being around the corner bringing with it new hope for the future and the prospects of new relationships. I have been happily married for 26 years, but many autistic individuals find making friends, dating and finding romance extremely difficult. Indeed, as a young man (although then undiagnosed as autistic), I struggled to make friends and most attempts at romance began and ended on the first date!
Here are some helpful tips you can share with someone who is dating an autistic person. They are also good tips for friendships too!
Of course, every autistic person is unique, and these general tips will need to be adjusted to accommodate individual autistic needs, gender identity and sexual orientation. That’s the wonderful diversity within our autistic community!
1. Dating people who are not autistic or neurodivergent is quite common
One common misconception is that autistic people only want to date individuals who are autistic or neurodivergent. This notion is completely untrue as we want to find someone to connect with that t will accept us as we are and permit us to be true to ourselves. Furthermore, many autistic individuals may not “appear” to be autistic, or conform to others’ perceptions, or prejudices, as to how autistic people present themselves. Sometimes it could take a few dates for someone to even realize the person they’re with is autistic. First dates can be nerve wracking for most people, but for us autistics with our increased anxieties around social interaction, these can be especially scary! Everyone autistic or non-autistic can present as being quite socially awkward on meeting someone for the first time or on a first date. Whilst this awkwardness may not be evidence that your dating partner is autistic, it may be worth asking yourself “could it be autism?” rather than simply first date nerves.
2. Consider the choice of venue
While a neurotypical person might think a busy pub might be an excellent place for a first date, it could be the worst place for an autistic individual. Such environments can present significant sensory barriers to communication and social interaction. Flashing lights and noises from slot machines or a jukebox, for example, can cause significant discomfort to many of us. Unfamiliar environments can also cause increased anxiety when meeting someone for the first time, or a first meeting with someone already known to the individual but not in an informal setting or social context. So, it’s important to do due diligence as far as location and activities are concerned.
3. The magic touch
While autistic adults may desire the physical aspects of a romantic relationship, the kind of touch we wish to receive may differ from the type of touch a neurotypical individual would find pleasurable. Some autistic individuals, like myself, may be very tactile, and come across as smothering or too “touchy-feely.” Others may feel genuine pain from even the slightest of touches. Some autistic partners, however, may need the pressure of firm and consistent touch. While this is not typically what you think of with tender, romantic love, it may cause an autistic person discomfort if someone were to kiss them or hold their hand gently.
4. We may have difficulties in expressing our emotions.
For many years , it was assumed that all autistic individuals had difficulties regulating their emotions of displaying affection or empathy to others. However, not all autistic individuals are aloof or distant emotionally or present themselves as “intelligent and charismatic, but with the emotional maturity of a child” (Barbara Jacobs, “Loving Mr Spock”, 2003). Studies such as those by Damian Milton (2012) describe a “double empathy problem” and show that autistic individuals regularly experience feelings and emotions that are stronger and deeper than neurotypicals, but these feelings might appear invisible to outsiders because we may not appear to show them the way neurotypical people do. Indeed, some of us , far from suffering from any lack of grandiose emotional displays, can be very emotional and attentive almost to the extreme at times.
5. Prepare for honesty!
Whilst not true of all autistics, one characteristic autistic people often have is brutal honesty. When you ask our opinion on something — such as if we like your new haircut — we may have no qualms about telling you that your old cut was better, or that we simply don’t like it. It’s important to remember that we likely have no ill intentions, we’re simply saying what we believe to be true. Others like myself may not always react at all to our partner’s new haircut, unless it is obviously very striking! Although these responses may sometimes hurt your feelings, when we give you praise or say that we like something, it means so much more because you know that we really mean it. If we tell you that we love you, then you can completely trust and believe that we genuinely, honestly, love you. Personally, I don’t suffer fools gladly, and if I give praise it is very much a genuine response!
6. Be wary of being taken literally
Sometimes autistic individuals may take things very literally, so if you shout out in the middle of a heated argument “go away” (meaning go to another room so that you can have some space and stop arguing with each other) we might just do that and walk out of the house with no intention of returning or whether we would be welcomed back! It’s important to be clear about how you communicate your feelings. If you ask us back for coffee, that may be what we expect and nothing more !!
7. Ease into changes
Most autistic individuals don’t respond well to change as they prefer stability and familiarity. We may maintain the same interests and tastes over decades, perhaps even for life, whereas neurotypical people may change their taste in food, music, or personal style as fashions change and as they age. Certainly, I am no respecter or follower of the latest fad! Due to our dependency on a set routine, sudden and abrupt changes to scheduled events or activities could make us anxious or even angry. For example, a sudden cancelation or unexpected change of plan.
8. It may seem insignificant to you, but it’s not to us
Many autistic individuals have heightened sensory responses and live in a constant heightened state of sensory arousal and anxiety . Consequently, many environments or situations that might not bother neurotypical individuals can be overwhelming and painful for us. We could be less than halfway through a dinner date when we they suddenly get angry or feel uncomfortable and feel the need to leave because the noise levels are too high or the staff serving are constantly walking by us or other painful distractions. Patience is a must, and an effort should be made to avoid bringing us into potentially triggering environments. Reserving a table in a quiet corner and at a less busy time can make the world of difference.
9. We might focus too much on what interests us
Autistic individuals may develop intense interests, and it’s important to understand that much of our time may be spent focused on them. When we talk to people, we often want to talk about these interests, often for long periods of time, with the expectation that everyone will be as interested in our hobbies as we are (it took me a very long time to learn that my interests may not interest others). If someone cuts us off and starts talking about a different topic, we may be very blunt and will let people know how boring they are. With patience and practice, this can improve over time as we learn to listen, understand another person’s point of view and vary our conversation topics.
10. Give us time to process big-time decisions
At some point or another in relationships, decisions may need to be made. Whether it be something small like deciding where to eat for dinner or a more significant commitment such as buying a home together or getting married, it’s critical to understand that transitions can often be difficult at first for autistic individuals to comprehend. This isn’t any different for any other human being on this planet, but like I mentioned before, change and transitions can make many of us feel overwhelmed or anxious. Make sure to give us extra time to process things fully before expecting a final decision.
11. Don’t be afraid to initiate affection
Autistic individuals want love and affection as much as anyone else but are likely to want our non-autistic partner to take control of initiating it. We may not have necessarily developed the social skills to know what to do in a relationship, so we may try to do what we want to do, and at times behave in a way that may be perceived as being socially inappropriate or misread signals. At other times we may be so focused on our own interests that we forget to pay you attention. We s may not instinctively think to give kisses or hugs and tell you we love you, so our partner often has to be the one to initiate these things. As we learn, we’ll get better at consciously deciding to do these things on our own. Some, like me, may be over affectionate and come across as “clingy” or “smothering.” The important thing to keep in mind is that just because we may not show love in a typical way doesn’t mean that we they don’t love you. From our perspective, we have chosen to be with you and expect you to see this as evidence of our love.
12. Be direct and consistent
Being able to share needs and desires openly is extremely important when dating an autistic individual. This can either be verbally during a conversation or in writing by giving us a heartfelt letter. Don’t hint at what you want and expect us to pick up on it. It’s equally as important to remain consistent in reminding us about what you want because we likely won’t understand the unspoken ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ of certain situations. Above all, remain patient, understanding, and willing to compromise as well.
