My wife and I -A personal autistic journey
When it comes to forming relationships I have always been someone that ‘follows’. What I mean by this is that I need someone to take the lead in a social situation, someone to engage me and be proactive in the situation, otherwise I won’t necessarily have the inclination to engage with others.
Up until I met my soon to be wife, I had few girlfriends in my life, and only one that could be described as a “relationship”. In fact, relationships with most people had been difficult and I would really only engage with people when they initiated it and it would often have to be on my terms. Indeed as a child my mother would be asked “has your son got a tongue in his head?”
I was in mixed sex schools until aged 11 years, when I went to an all Boys’ Comprehensive School, limiting my interaction with girls somewhat! So when I went to college at 16, I had forgotten much about how to talk to grils that weren’t my 2 elder sisters!
I always wanted a girlfriend and to settle down, but despite going into the female -dominated profession of nursing from the age of 19 through to 22, I had very few girlfriends, although I had many friends that were girls!
Whilst I had romantic dreams, I could never have imagined having a relationship with anyone, and this feeling worsened as, being the youngest child of 4, I watched my siblings marry and have children. Before I met my wife, I already had 3 nephews, 4 nieces, and a grandniece!
At school I was a bit of a loner, except amongst my few friends who I would never describe even now as neurotypical! Outside of this select tiny bubble, no one else would really engage with me.
Forming our relationship
I first met my lovely wife on the bus to and from college, but romance was far from each other’s minds! Our relationship proper came when I put an advert in the “lonely hearts column of the local newspaper! Our first date didn’t happen, because I was on first aid duty with the St John Ambulance at a motor racing event and I had the migraine to end all migraines, spending the entire event in the back of an ambulance!
Luckily for me, my wife forgave this and invited me on a second date. I was extremely anxious of our first date-outside our local Woolworths Store, my future wife, Germaine, armed with an umbrella!! I was also on the rebound from an intense relationship, which had left me emotionally and financially scarred!
Once we both remembered our college experience, this gave us a starting point for conversation. The more relaxed I became the more I spoke. I would tell her about my interests, I was more comfortable when talking about these subjects and could ‘perform’ quite well socially when doing so — my wife seemed to enjoy hearing me talk about these things as well!
My wife took the lead in initiating the relationship, something which was essential to us forming a relationship. I was very lucky to meet someone who was willing to take the lead with me and who genuinely seemed to appreciate me for me.
Developing our relationship
We met in August 1994 and got engaged on the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. We were married in May 1996, nearly 25 years ago. Our children were born in 1997 and 1999 and it was from their developmental concerns that the prospect of autism began to arise. In 2005, our local Social Services Department encouraged us to pursue a diagnosis of autism for both the children. A year later, the same Department placed our children on child protection for quote “seeking a medical diagnosis. “This was to be the most difficult crisis to face our marriage. By this time, our children’s behaviours had impacted upon our family life so significantly, that my siblings became very estranged from us, and we did not see any of them for several years. Indeed, I was never to see my brother again.
Our children and ourselves were under the trauma of Child Protection for 15 long months, and during this time, it was suggested that because I was using logic and facts to contest the unjust position we had found ourselves in, that I may have Asperger Syndrome, although with the provisor that whatever the outcome it must not be used as a weapon against my suitability as a parent. Consequently, I was diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum in January 2007.
Since diagnosis it has been easier for me to understand why I might have certain difficulties with relationships and social situations more generally. It has also helped my wife to understand why I might not always respond to her in a way she might expect. Unlike some men with autism, I am hyper emotional and seek reassurance and human touch from my wife. This over attentiveness is due to my innate fear that if I am not seen to be expressing physical affection, almost constantly, that my wife will move on to pastures new! Furthermore, although I am a very emotional person , I tend to keep my innermost thoughts to myself, much to my wife’s frustration!
My wife has become aware of what I need in the relationship. For example, sometimes I need quiet time, where I can go to a separate room and just be on my own, just to have my own space. She understands that I require this time either to calm down from being anxious or to prevent becoming anxious. It is now part of our relationship and is accepted — this really helps to make me feel understood.
Expectations in relationships
The key challenges for me in a relationship are the demands or expectations to do things. The expectation to do something new is very anxiety provoking. But the first challenge is often realising there even is an expectation. Often I won’t know unless my wife explicitly tells me what she needs or wants. Over time we have both become better at expressing this.
The next challenge is how to respond to the need or expectation. I find it anxiety ridden, so to cope I attempt to turn it into a routine. If I can add the expectation or need into a routine then it becomes manageable for me and something I can do again and again.
To give a small and rather trivial example, when I first started living together (after marriage-how old fashioned are we?!), I used to be obsessed with ironing all of my clothes immediately after they have been washed and dried. So much so that this became almost obsessional in nature, regardless of whatever else had been planned for a Friday evening! Even now, I rarely ask for help or support with things . I find cooking relaxing and treat the kitchen as my “man cave. “
Although I like routines, changing them or creating a new one is still anxiety provoking. But I also have a very strong wish to make my wife happy, and feel very guilty if I know there is something she wants or needs and I haven’t met that need. People often say autistic people lack empathy or can appear uncaring — for me I always want to be caring and do the right thing but often unless I’m explicitly told what people want I don’t always pick up on it. When I do realise I feel extremely guilty for not noticing — this for me is an issue related to being autistic — not always being tuned into to the needs of others.
Becoming connected
Life and marriage has meant being fortunate to find people to push me, to lead me into doing things. I now sometimes enjoy doing the very things that push me out of my normal comfort zone, such as meeting new people in a social, rather than formal event . Without someone to push me towards that, I might not do it at all. I have been very lucky to find my wife, someone who was willing to take the lead, enter my world and be patient with me when I needed it. In return I hope I have been able to meet her needs and make her happy.
When I was younger the idea or notion of love was built up on my background of being born late in life to middle aged parents and the over-romanticising of relationships from watching episodes of Heart to Heart or old movies! On first dates, I would stifle the poor victim (I mean, young lady!) with flowers, chocolates and gifts, albeit in a purely innocent manner. However, this would be misconstrued as my being old fashioned or over-needy!
My idea of love is that once you have been around someone for a significant time, once you have shared memories and experiences, your lives become entwined, you become connected and have a longing to stay connected. If you didn’t have that you would be totally lost because they are your other half, and a part of you.
My desire to please my wife has become even stronger as the years go by because of this growing connection. As a young man with only one previous relationship lasting more than a couple of dates, I never thought I would be fortunate enough to marry and have children; let alone stay married whilst so many marriages have failed.
My married life is not perfect, by any means, but we compliment one another. My wife understands me better than I know myself. She has been my lifeboat through my many storms and I can’t imagine my life without her.
